Bridge: I'm cracking and rocking. O NOES!!!!
Muggles: Help! aaaaaaaaah
Bellatrix: I'm crazy. Can't you tell by my hair?
Narsissa: How did we get cheated out of the opening scene? Doesn't the book open w/ us?
Snape: I am evil. Can't you tell? I talk really slowly and wear all black.
David Yates: So far so good. Only destroyed the book completely and we're only on chapter 1!
Audience: Yawn
Bellatrix: DO IT.
Everyone: Wtf are you talking about?
Bellatrix: You know... it... the unbreakable vow.
Everyone: ooooh that...whats that?
This scene: ends.
Scene that never happened in the book: I'm happening in the movie!
Waitress: Did that picture move? I thought it did
Harry: No.
Waitress: You're cute
Harry: You're not....Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Don't be so stupid Harry you should be at home with the Dursleys
Dursleys: We're not actually in this film.
Dumbledore: Lets go do something harry.
Dumbledore's hand: Is blackened and charred
Harry: What are we doing?
Dumbledore: Follow me
Harry: Oh a weird looking chair:
Chair: Ouch don't sit on me
Dumbledore: Got ya
Slughorn: Got me. I'm not gonna teach. Oh is that harry potter? Okay i'll teach.
Harry: is confused
Dumbledore: Doesn't explain.
Dumbledore's hand: Anyone notice I am charred? No one has said anything about me... so...
Dumbledore: Lets go to the burrow!
Harry: Ok
Ginny: Is Harry here?
Molly: No
Harry: Yes I am you stupid witch
Molly: Oh hi Harry!
Everyone: Goes to Daigon Alley
Malfoy: Looks suspicious
Nothing else: Happens
All the kids: Are on the hogwarts express
Hermione and Ron: Even though we were prefects in the book, we would rather sit with you harry!
Neville and Luna: Are not here
Harry's Invisibility cloak: Use me goddamn it
Harry: Uses Instant Darkness powder instead
Harry's invisibility cloak: Fucking git.
Harry: Thats it. I'm only using you once this entire movie despite using you countless times in the book!
Malfoy: Whats that noise? Oh its just Harry Potter. Bye! Oh yeah, you're cursed!
Harry: Oh no! My nose is broken and I can't move. When is Tonks going to save me?
Luna: Here I am!
Harry: Tonks?
Luna: No, I'm Luna. Tonks is a minor character. She can't get any screen time. This is my cameo.
Harry: Makes sense.
McGonnagal: Potter why are you just sitting there? Go to potions class. You too Weasley!
Harry and Ron: Okay. :-( :-(
Slughorn: Oh i'm glad you made it. Get a book out of the cubbard.
Ron: Dibs on the nice looking one.
Harry: Shit. Oh wait. Haha Half blood prince knows potions
Audience: Finally, we're getting the plot!
Harry: Wins luck potion
Ginny and some guy: Start kissing
Daniel Radcliffe: Tries to act angry.
Ron and some girl: Start kissing too
Hermione: starts crying.
Teen romance subplot: You mean I am the main plot of this movie?!?!
Real plot: Takes a back seat
Hermione: Cheats
Harry: Pretends to cheat
Ron: Is oblivious to everything
Neville: makes his single cameo appearance
Malfoy: Kills a bird
Half Blood Prince: Wrote something in the book
Harry: "Sectumsempra!"
Malfoy: bleeds
Snape: Only looks at Harry.
Malfoy: Still bleeding
Snape: Continues to look at harry.
Malfoy: Moans, still bleeding.
Snape: Heals malfoy.
Harry: Runs away.
Teen Romance Subplot: Continues to be the main plot
Real plot: Kills itself.
Audience: Wait, which Harry potter is this?
Dumbledore: "Make sense of these two memories....The other ones don't matter."
Harry: "Wait what?"
Dumbledore's hand: "HEY! LOOK AT ME!!!! SAY SOMETHING!!! I AM STILL CHARRED BLACK YOU KNOW!"
Ginny: "uh, you gotta hide the book."
Half Blood Prince: Knows dark magic
Harry: "Okay, maybe I'll see ravenclaw's diadem in there."
Ginny: "No, close your eyes so we can rewrite more of the book!!!"
The burrow: Gets attacked
Audience: "WTF???"
David Yates: "I hate the burrow. It had to be destroyed. Great scene though, right? right? riiiiight?"
Audience: "..... uh..... i guess?"
David Yates: "Can't talk, got more book to rewrite! MORE ROMANCE ANGST!!!!"
Audience: Groans
Dumbledore: "Get Slughorn's real memory"
Harry: "Okay..."
More teenage love angst: Happens
Rupert grint: Acts really well.
Ron: Almost dies.
Harry: Saves Ron's life....somehow.
Harry: "Can i get your memory Sluggy?"
Slughorn: "No!"
Harry:
Slughorn: "Go away!"
Harry: Gets high
Slughorn: "Here you go! i love it when kids to drugs! Horcruxes are bad, mmkay?"
Dumbledore: "Come with me Harry! get a broom stick"
David Yates: "I hate brook sticks.. Disapparate you fucking old prick! DO IT..."
Harry: "Wait a minute... you can't disapparate from Hogwart....can you?"
Audience: "Yeah, wait a minute"
Dumbledore "apparently i can now!"
Audience: Wait, how'd he know where to come? We never saw this memory?
David Yates: "Magic..."
Audience: "...but..."
David Yates: "I SAID MAGIC!"
Dumbledore: Cuts himself.
Harry: "wtf?"
Dumbledore: Drinks the potion.
Harry: "that was stupid!"
Dumbledore: "Water please."
Harry: "here you go ... Oh my god, its 100 gulloms from Lord of the Rings!"
Gulloms: "Preeeeecccccciiiiiiiooooooouuuuuuusssssss"
Audience: "Why are there gulloms?"
David Yates: "Inferi... didn't I mention those earlier like in chapter 2?"
Audience: "no"
David Yates: "....Magic..."
Dumbledore: Uses water resistant fire
Gulloms: Go away and never come back.
Harry's Invisibility cloak: Is forgotten.
Dumbledore and Harry: Apparate back to Hogwarts
Malfoy: "Dark Lord I fixed the vanishing cabinet! Now your army of Death eaters can enter the school and wage a war of hatred and extermination of all mudbloods in Britain!
Voldemort off screen unheard: "Yesssssss... except that instead of waging war, they can just enter Hogwarts, run around and do nothing. Then you can kill Dumbledore and they can break a bunch of glass and blow out some candles!!
Malfoy: You mean....I fixed this vanishing cabnet, bled all over a bathroom floor for that? I could have done that without death eaters!
Deatheaters: Enter Hogwarts
Harry's invisibility cloak: Bet you wish you had me now! haha stupid git
Harry: Hides in plain sight
Snape: Makes his third and final appearance
Harry: wtf snape?
Snape: quite harry
Dumbledore: Severus please....
Snape Kills Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: Thanks bro
Snape Runs away.
Daniel Radcliffe: Tries to act angry
Harry: Fight you coward! Sectumsempra
Snape: Fool! Don't shout out your spells use nonverbal ones.
Harry: Wait whaaaaat?? You can do that?
David Yates: Oh shit, i knew i forgot something...
Snape: Oh, and by the way, I'm the half blood prince
Audience: The halfblood what now?
Alan Rickman: Wait a damn minute...Snape is the half blood prince? This movie is named after my character....and i get 2 minutes of screen time... I'm calling my agent. Maybe they can get me a cameo in New Moon.
Chris Weitz: Sorry Alan... We here at Twilight are dedicated to making the worst movie possible, and we already have competition from Half Blood Prince. Having a well known actor such as yourself would instantly make this movie better. We can't have that.
David Yates: Why do you think I only gave him 3 scenes?
Alan Rickman: Fuck my life
Audience: Why the fuck is this movie called half blood Prince? I don't get it. Shouldn't it be called, Harry Potter and the Half re-written novel?
Another scene not in the book: Happens
End Credits: Woohoo! more Screen time than Alan Rickman!
THE END