"There are three people we're all meant to find." Rebekkah once told me, "A best friend, a soul mate, and a spouse. Sometimes, if you're lucky enough, those three things can be embodied in one person." These words have stuck with me all these years. I always felt the pull towards her. Call it what you want, God, fate, or whatever, always seemed to have a hand in the meetings of Rebekkah and me, even from the beginning.
First grade was where it all began. Rebekkah was in my class and she sat down at my station. A station, according to Mrs. Weber was a group of four students that were to work together during class time to make school fun and enjoyable for everyone. Rebekkah was the new kid in class. She started the year two weeks later than everyone else. Mrs. Weber saw to it that I was given the task of showing her around the school and making sure she had friends. It was hard for Rebekkah to do this, however, as her mom was a widow and held two jobs just to pay the rent. She was poor.
Lunch and recess to someone as poor as Rebekkah appeared to be torture. If anyone sat next to her, they were branded worse than he was in the eyes of all the students. No one would speak to her out of fear of becoming like her. Nothing was sacred, not her clothing, not her haircut, not her mother, and not even her recently deceased father.
"What are you doing?" she asked as i sat down next to her.
"Wanna trade your fries for my fruit cup?" I asked
"Why are you sitting here?"
"You're my friend." I answered. "So, you wanna trade?"
She shifted in her chair when i spoke those words as if she hadn't heard them before. I smiled at her as we made the exchange, her fries for my fruit cup, and we got to know about eachother that day at lunch.
Recess was the best part of school where there were wings, kickball games, red rover, hop scotch, and other ways to expend all your built up energy, but not for Rebekkah. She sat on a bench, alone, everyday watching the other kids play tag. When someone would wander too close to her bench she would get made fun of for that days outfit, or the free school lunch she got for being poor, and every day she jus tsat there and took it, never standing up for herself. But this particular day was different. Tommy and Jessica, the two most popular kids in first grade decided today, Rebekkah needed to be taught a lesson for being different.
"I hear your daddy can't even afford to give you a bath every day" the jeering began almost immediately. A large group of children gathered around here laughing at the comments being made about her father, who had just recently died in Desert Storm. The anger built up inside me until i could take it no longer. It went from my head to my chest welling up until it took complete control of my body.
"Her father is dead you..." I couldn't finish the sentence, as my mind was too clouded by my anger. In that moment everything became blurry. My arm moved as if its functions were controlled by marionette, anger the puppeteer, and me the puppet. The blow landed, awkwardly across Tommy's chest, sending him stumbling backwards. The anger, still firmly in control, forced me to advance on a now surprised and scared Tommy, but before another attack could land, Mrs Weber separated the two of us.
After being sent to the principal and being grounded for a month, Rebekkah and I became best friends. Her mother and she would come over to my house weekly for dinner. She seemed like a new person, ever since that day at recess. Her clothes and hair were the same, but she was now smiling all of the time, and her true beauty showed despite her humble appearance.
That summer, they came for dinner just like every week, only Rebekkah looked very sad. Our parents went off to another room to talk, and Rebekkah did something I'd never seen her do. She cried. No amount of jeering or insulting could make her cry, but here she was, crying. I couldn't bear it any longer and when i asked her the problem, it was met by a devastating response. "We're moving."
So imagine my surprise when i went to the grocery store, eleven years later, and ran into Rebekkah, running the check-out lane. I didn't recognize her, actually, it was she who figured it out when i gave her my ID to verify my credit card. She looked at it and at me, then back at the ID again and shook her head.
"Something wrong?" I was curious as to the nature of the problem with my ID.
"Were you in Mrs. Weber's first grade class?" she asked
"Uh, yeah, why do you ask? What's going on?"
"I don't know if you'll remember me or not but..." When she started speaking I located her name tag and began to connect the dots.
"Rebekkah?" I asked. She smiled and nodded. I quickly got her phone number and gaver her mine. It was amazing how beautiful she had become. Not that she wasn't beautiful before, but as an adult now, I looked at her in a different way than I did back in first grade. She was a woman, not a kid, and I wanted her.
I was excited to finally see her, but to say that is all I felt would be a lie. I was far more than that. With the excitement came apprehension. I didn't know what to tell my girlfriend. Finally, I decided to keep it a secret and went to meet Rebekkah for dinner. It went well. We caught up on what our lived has been since that day she moved away. Her mother had remarried, divorced, and had died only a year ago. After her mom's death she decided she would move back here to start a life for herself. She just moved back and got a job at the super market a week before running into me. I let her know about my life, purposefully omitting the part about having a girlfriend. When the night ended, i gave her a hug and kissed her goodnight and drove home. My last words to her that night were "I'll call you tomorrow." And I did. I called her every day for a week until God, fate or whatever decided to intervene. My girlfriend, seeing me on the phone all the time went through my phone and erased all my phone numbers. I didn't realize this is what happened until years later. I tried to find her at the grocery store, but she had quit her job, and contact was lost again. There was nothing I could do but hope that fate would cross our paths once more.
It was eight years later that I saw Rebekkah again. I had finished law school and was working at a major law firm. The past eight years, I thought about Rebekkah every day, but I gave up on her and I ever being together. I got married to my girlfriend and had a child. I was a very successful lawyer and was on my way to being made partner. Despite my success, my life seemed empty. It was that day fate again brought Rebekkah into my life, and I knew why my life was empty.
"Enter" I said when the all too familiar knocks of a client came at my office door.
"You stopped calling." said a familiar voice.
"The phone works both ways"
"I don't call boys." She entered the room a bit more, and let the doors close behind her. The smile I remembered was faded and she looked unsettled, like life had been passing her by the past 8 years. "I'm in trouble" she said after a long pause.
"What do you need?"
"My ex husband" she started.
"Husband?" I asked.
"ex. husband." she emphasized the ex. "I couldn't wait for you forever."
The words hurt, but they comforted me at the same time. I understood, completely. After all, I was married. I had a family. I couldn't wait for her either. But she wanted to. She loved me. That was enough.
We talked about her problems, there in my office. Her husband had collected sixty thousand dollars in debt to some questionable people. Rebekkah was kept in the dark about it until after her divorce when he left town. The men came looking for their money. She had to sell her home and all her possessions to pay off this debt. She was poor again, with nothing to show for her entire life. She never did start the life she wanted. He troubles followed her. It was just by chance that Rebekkah came to my office for legal advice regarding her debt. It seemed my prayer eight years prior were answered and fate again brought us together. This time, I felt, it was destined to work.
I never told my wife what had happened. I never told her about the months of extra meetings and working late on important cases, were actually nights spent with Rebekkah, my soul mate. It was during this time that she told me about our quest in life to find the three important people in our lives. Our friendship she said, was because our souls were linked in heaven. She claimed it was fate that brought us together every time we drifted apart. What came next surprised me. She proposed to me. Every fiber in my being wanted to say yes, but i couldn't marry her. I was already married. After what must have seemed like an eternity of silence I replied with a soft "I can't"
"You can't?"
"Rebekkah, there's something about myself I haven't told you."
"You're not gay, i know that for sure." she joked. "You're married." She laughed at what she thought was a joke, not knowing the truth.
"Yes." There was no way I could soften the blow. "6 years. And I have a daughter."
She was stunned. For a second I thought maybe everything would be okay, but the silence was broken by a barrage of insults and name calling. Then she did what i never thought her capable of, she wished out loud my daughter would die in my arms.
It was like i wasn't in control of the next few minutes. I said things in my hurt and anger I never should have. I brought up first grade and told her it was out of pity that i sat next to her, not friendship, and that her dad would be ashamed of the life she made for herself, and if her mother were alive she would have long left her alone, for the rest of her life. The words rang out and I immediately regretted saying them, but it was too late. The damage was done. Rebekkah had already started walking out of my office and out of my life.
I knew Rebekkah wouldn't want to see me after the things i said that night, but I also knew my love her for was real. I told my wife that a friend was in dire need. I wrote her a letter, apologizing for the words I said, and enclosed a check for fifteen thousand dollars to go to school and make a real life for herself. I put it in her mailbox and left, went back to my family and lived life, still feeling empty and finally knowing why.
The years went by and my family grew to four, and although the marriage was far from loveless it was an empty one. After ten years, it ended. It ended on good terms, we didn't hate each other, but we both accepted that we were never meant to be married. The divorce had just been finalized in May, when I received a letter from Rebekkah. It explained how after I said those things, she hated me, wished I had never sat down, wished I would never come back. She saw me that night, putting the letter in her mailbox and she read it that same evening. At first she didn't want anything of it, but she took the money and went to school, and was getting a degree in psychology, so she could help people who have had a hard life like she did, and so they could have someone who cared about them like I cared about here. Enclosed in the letter was an invitation to her graduation.
I contemplated going for a long time. The last time I had seen Rebekkah she was slapping me and leaving. I called her a worthless person. I knew in my heart though, we were meant to be together and, after all, I paid for that education, so I should see the fruits of that, right? The debate raged on in my head and even on the day of graduation I was not sure whether I should go. Eventually, my emotional side won out and I put on my nicest suit and drove to the school.
I sat in the front row, hoping she would see me when she walked by, but she didn't. When the president called her name, her face beamed with pride as she walked across the stage to receive her certificate. I imagine my face was beaming as well. I hurried after the ceremony to find her. But like always it was she who found me. "I'm glad you came, I was afraid you couldn't." I turned around and saw the vibrant smile and beauty of the woman I loved.
"These are for you." I handed her a bouquet of flowers.
"They're beautiful. Thank you." She looked behind her and motioned for
another woman to over. I recognized her as one of the others who received her degree that day. "I want to introduce you to someone." She introduced me to her friend, Staci. She spent all four years of college with her. Staci appeared thrilled to meet me, exclaiming Rebekkah would never shut up about the man who gave her life meaning.
The three of us met up for lunch later that afternoon, and again caught up on our lives. She had stayed single after her divorce, and now, so was I. We finally were together. After lunch, we walked back to our cars and embraced. I kissed her gently and wished her well. As she got into her car she said "looks like fate has brought us together again. I love you."
"I love you too." I smiled and walked to my car and drove home.
That night, I got the phone call. Rebekkah had called me. "Hello love." I said answering the phone. The voice on the other end was familiar but it was not Rebekkah's.
"There's been an accident. Rebekkah's hurt. You should come to St. Michael's right away." It was Staci from earlier in the day.
I didn't have time to get dressed. I woke up my girls, put them in the car and sped to the hospital, trying to explain to them what was going on, all the while trying not to cry. My youngest, sensing this told me it was okay to cry, and that she loved me. "I love you too sweetheart." I said.
I ran into the Emergency room, youngest daughter in my arms, and oldest holding my hand,
"Rebekkah!" i started as I entered, but Staci was in the waiting room waiting for me.
"Come on, follow me"
We went into the room where Rebekkah was. She was bruised and cut on her face, and her body was broken all over. She had been run off the road by a semi truck driver who had fallen asleep at the wheel.
"Rebekkah" I said, holding back a sob, "There are some people here I'd like you to meet." I ushered my daughters forward and introduced them to her. She smiled the best she could at them. They were shy, and afraid.
"They're beautiful." She said. Her voice was dry and scratchy, it was apparent it was painful to talk. "They must take after their mother." She joked. I wanted to laugh, but couldn't. Any sound I let out would be a cry.
"You can't save me this time." she said. She turned her head to look at me "You've always been there. Thank you." and then it was silent. My youngest tugged my pants.
"Is she sleeping daddy?" My oldest tried to quiet her sister.
"Its okay." I said to my oldest. I turned to my youngest, "Yes honey, she's sleeping." I looked at Staci who was fully in tears now. I hugged her, but couldn't let myself cry in from of my girls. I leaned down one last time and kissed my soul mate's face. It was fate.
Wrote a short story. Looking for feedback.
Wrote a short story. Looking for feedback.
im so disciplined i fold my pocket kings 1 out of every 3 times i get them
It's really good and touching, Styro. I like the story arc and connection you get with the narrator.
The biggest suggestion I would make would be to fill it out more. Stretch those encounters and sections of life with more details and depth of description - right now it clips along just a little too fast ... feels a little like the outline of a really great short story if that makes sense.
You've definitely got the makings of a really fine piece of work here. Just flesh it out a little more with some details to paint the scenes a little more fully for the reader.
The biggest suggestion I would make would be to fill it out more. Stretch those encounters and sections of life with more details and depth of description - right now it clips along just a little too fast ... feels a little like the outline of a really great short story if that makes sense.
You've definitely got the makings of a really fine piece of work here. Just flesh it out a little more with some details to paint the scenes a little more fully for the reader.
"Environmentalism as a metaphysical ideology and as a worldview has absolutely nothing to do with natural sciences or with the climate."
First of all let me just say that I am no literary scholar or critic, so I might not be the best person to listen to, but here's what I thought anyway...
I'm a little confused on some parts, but it might be things you plan to expand on. First, I'm confused about the date after the meeting at the supermarket, is it one date? It says he called every day for a week, but did they talk, or was there no answer? Then you say "God, fate, or whatever decided to intervene." How so? Did you mean the girlfriend erasing the numbers, I guess you could call that fate, but I'd call it your girlfriend intervening.. Also, you say then that you didn't realize this until years later, I'm confused as to what you didn't realize.... That your phone numbers were erased (seems unlikely) or that it was your girlfriend who did it? (I'm guessing that is what you mean), and how did you come to finally realize it.
Everything else makes sense, so I guess I'd just say expand on that paragraph to get some more details in there.
My only other personal opinion is you need a little more reason to like the main character, sure he was nice in first grade, but other than that he's just a cheating bastard it appears.... I'm not sure if it's just me or what, but I find myself wanting him to lose both of the women, which of course he does in the end, so I am not sad for him.... I assume you want us to be sad for him losing his soul mate....
Other than that it's an interesting story, not the usual happy ending (like a romance story would have) which is good, it definitely has potential. Like Shaz said, maybe expand on everything a little, it's a little short even for a short story.
I'm a little confused on some parts, but it might be things you plan to expand on. First, I'm confused about the date after the meeting at the supermarket, is it one date? It says he called every day for a week, but did they talk, or was there no answer? Then you say "God, fate, or whatever decided to intervene." How so? Did you mean the girlfriend erasing the numbers, I guess you could call that fate, but I'd call it your girlfriend intervening.. Also, you say then that you didn't realize this until years later, I'm confused as to what you didn't realize.... That your phone numbers were erased (seems unlikely) or that it was your girlfriend who did it? (I'm guessing that is what you mean), and how did you come to finally realize it.
Everything else makes sense, so I guess I'd just say expand on that paragraph to get some more details in there.
My only other personal opinion is you need a little more reason to like the main character, sure he was nice in first grade, but other than that he's just a cheating bastard it appears.... I'm not sure if it's just me or what, but I find myself wanting him to lose both of the women, which of course he does in the end, so I am not sad for him.... I assume you want us to be sad for him losing his soul mate....
Other than that it's an interesting story, not the usual happy ending (like a romance story would have) which is good, it definitely has potential. Like Shaz said, maybe expand on everything a little, it's a little short even for a short story.
Kadian wrote:First of all let me just say that I am no literary scholar or critic, so I might not be the best person to listen to, but here's what I thought anyway...
I'm a little confused on some parts, but it might be things you plan to expand on. First, I'm confused about the date after the meeting at the supermarket, is it one date? It says he called every day for a week, but did they talk, or was there no answer? Then you say "God, fate, or whatever decided to intervene." How so? Did you mean the girlfriend erasing the numbers, I guess you could call that fate, but I'd call it your girlfriend intervening.. Also, you say then that you didn't realize this until years later, I'm confused as to what you didn't realize.... That your phone numbers were erased (seems unlikely) or that it was your girlfriend who did it? (I'm guessing that is what you mean), and how did you come to finally realize it.
Everything else makes sense, so I guess I'd just say expand on that paragraph to get some more details in there.
My only other personal opinion is you need a little more reason to like the main character, sure he was nice in first grade, but other than that he's just a cheating bastard it appears.... I'm not sure if it's just me or what, but I find myself wanting him to lose both of the women, which of course he does in the end, so I am not sad for him.... I assume you want us to be sad for him losing his soul mate....
Other than that it's an interesting story, not the usual happy ending (like a romance story would have) which is good, it definitely has potential. Like Shaz said, maybe expand on everything a little, it's a little short even for a short story.
thanks for your feedback. I'm changing that paragraph entirely. After the date, he calls her a few times, and talks, and then his cellphone goes through the wash, losing her number, which totally frees the girlfriend/wife from any involvement in the love affair.
There's not a reason to like the narrator, and I want it to be that way, kinda. Its obvious (to me at least) he loves Rebekkah with everything in his being, which is why he fights for her in first grade, pays for her college, but I didn't want an altruistic perfect man. I wanted him to be human, and have flaws. I didn't want him to leave his family for Rebekkah (and I'm expanding the scene in the office for him to say that he won't do that) but the marriage has to end for the ending to work... so i made the marriage end amicably. (I may end up describing this a bit more as well)
I'm also considering giving her a kid and leaving it ambiguous as to whether the kid is the narrator's or not, to make things that more tragic.. although, tragedy for tragedy's sake may not be the best route.
im so disciplined i fold my pocket kings 1 out of every 3 times i get them
Sounds good, maybe it's better that he loses phone number that way (more of a fate thing). Also I guess it's ok to not like him, since it can be more of a story of a guy who never could put his life together the way he wanted it, which is a sad story itself even if you don't feel bad for him in particular, you can feel his frustration with how things turned out....